It's Not The End
by maddiethurowthealchemist
Summary: I still visit him every year. In fact, enough Nunnally tells me it's not healthy. I miss him. It truly isn't the end.


A/N: SuzaLulu! Sorry for not writing much lately. I hope this is okay!

Title: It's Not The End

Summary: I still visit him every year. In fact, enough Nunnally tells me it's not healthy. I miss him.

WARNINGS: Suzalulu, suicide/character death...and I think that's all.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Code Geass nor the 2 lovely boys I am including in this story.

NOTE: _Italics are the flashbacks except when I use the word why and Suzaku at the beginning, and __**this emphasizes. **_**THIS WAS BEFORE LELOUCH COMMANDED HIM TO LIVE.**

I still visit him every year. In fact, enough Nunnally tells me it isn't healthy. But, I can't help it. I miss him. I always bring him flowers and I talk to him. I tell him how life is going, and asking what I ask all the time.

_Why...?_

I still never got an answer. I never really noticed anything was wrong. I knew he had self-esteem issues, and he always put others in front of himself. He always seemed so happy.

_Suzaku._

I didn't know anything until I walked into his room that night. That night was the worst night of my life.

"_Suzaku?" I asked, walking into his room. He had skipped the Student Council Meeting that day, and so I wanted to make sure he was okay. "Suzaku?" No answer. _

I knew he was home and at that moment, I knew something was wrong.

_I walked into his room, assuming that's where he's be. I saw something truly terrifying in front of me. Suzaku, covered in blood. He had been shot. _

At first, I thought someone might have shot him. That's really what I thought. I was wrong.

"_Suzaku!" I cried, running over to where he was laying in his own blood. Suzaku looked up at me. "Lelouch...?" Suzaku asked. "Suzaku, who did this to you...?" I asked, my own hands getting soaked with his blood._

I got an answer in which I dreaded.

"_I did it, Lelouch..." Suzaku said. My eyes widened. "Suzaku-" "I want to die, Lelouch. I want to go away..." he told me._

Those words broke my heart into a million pieces.

"_And now I finally get to. This is the end, Lelouch." Suzaku said, smiling a little. _

That hurt even more. He was happy about it.

"_Suzaku, no it isn't! I'm going to call 911, so just-" He cut me off. "Even if you call them, they can't save me..." Suzaku told me. "Don't say that!" I told him. "What's done has been done and you can't undo it." Suzaku said._

He kept trying to stop me. He never did give me an answer.

"_Suzaku...Why did you do this?" I asked him, my voice shaking. "Because Lulu...I want to disappear, I want to be gone. It hurts too much." He told me._

He called me by my special nickname. Lulu. At a time like that...

"_And so, it's finally...the end." Suzaku said. "STOP SAYING THAT!" I cried out. "Do you see what this is doing to me? Do you?!" I asked, tears threatening to spill from my eyes. "You'll be...better off now." Suzaku told me._

He kept telling me this: "It's finally the end."

"_What do you mean I will be better off now?" I asked. "I won't...be in the way...anymore." Suzaku said. "You're not in the way..." I said quietly._

Saying he was a burden. Saying he was in the way.

"_No one will miss me. Everyone will just...forget." Suzaku said, smiling a little._

I wanted to get up and scream. Everything he was saying wasn't true. What did he think? All I could do was think it was my fault.

"_I suppose that's the way it should be. The way it always should have been." Suzaku said. _

He was saying terrible things.

"_I'm calling a doctor!" I exclaimed. "No, Lelouch." he said. "Why?!" I asked him. "Because I don't want to be saved."_

He kept refusing help.

"_Lelouch, you were never supposed to find me..." Suzaku said. "Do you even know?! How much you're killing me?!" I cried._

He didn't know. He kept smiling. Saying the same thing.

"_I can't even see you clearly anymore..." Suzaku told me. "I'm sorry. You were the best person in my life, and I will miss you...I'll be gone in a few minutes." Suzaku said. He smiled at me._

Sad smiles. I couldn't take it.

_His breathing started to slow down as he continued to smile at me. "No...don't. Stop...It's not fair!" I exclaimed. "Lelouch...one more...thing...Look...on my...nightstand...for...a...note..." and those were his last words as his eyes slid shut._

Watching my best friend die in front of my very eyes.

"_Don't you dare...STOP! DON'T YOU DARE DIE ON ME, SUZAKU KURURUGI! WAKE UP!" I shouted._

I knew he wasn't going to wake up.

_He died with a smile on his face. He was so happy to be gone. I did what he told me to. I walked over to his nightstand and picked up the note. It was in an envelope. It said on the front: Addressed to: Lelouch Lamperouge._

I didn't want to open it. Yet I did.

_I opened it and the front said: _

_Lelouch,_

_I'm sorry. I want to be gone. By the time you read this, I'll be dead. I've been planning this out for awhile now. I'm sorry. But this is the end. Maybe someday you'll understand why I chose to do this. Maybe you won't ever find out. I want you to know, you'll always be my best friend. I'll watch over you. I'll protect you. Okay? Don't be sad. It was my choice. _

_~Suzaku (P.S., Look on the back of the note.)_

I read the front, and it killed me. That he thought all those things.

_I flipped the piece of paper around to see 4 words on the page, plain and simple. It said: I love you, Lelouch._

That's when I couldn't stop myself from breaking down anymore.

_I looked down at the paper, my tears falling on the page. I quietly replied: I love you, too._

And I do. I do love him. Shortly after Suzaku died, I was a wreck. I don't think anyone could feel as much pain as I did, only because I saw him die right in front of me.

I couldn't do anything. I cried a lot, my grades dropped, I couldn't sleep, I didn't eat much, and I kept thinking he was alive. Seeing and hearing him. And he wasn't there.

I tried to tell myself that he was there, but it only hurt worse. I also had my first dose of Refrain shortly after. After that one dose, I became addicted. I took Refrain several times a day to make myself forget.

I tried to drown myself in distractions, and I couldn't. The only thing that worked was Refrain. I did start going to therapy. I never admitted my addiction to Refrain until about a year later. And I got the help I needed.

I know Suzaku saw all of the things I did. And I know he would be sad. But, I'm better now. I stopped taking Refrain, and I can see things positively now.

Of course, it still hurts. I've been visiting him for the past few years, since he died. And I always will. I try to visit him every day. I will bring flowers sometimes, or I will sit next to his gravestone and talk with him, just as if he's there.

I've told him everything. I admitted to him that I became addicted to Refrain. I told him how much I missed him. And I just tell him how school is going and how everyone is doing.

I'll visit him all the way until I die, and I can be right next to him, and reunited with him. I know he hears me. I told him that after he died, I didn't want to live anymore. But in my dreams, he told me I needed to let go, and move on.

I never will completely move on. But like I said, I'll see him every day. Because this is truly, not the end.

And before I leave every day, I always tell him one thing. And it is:

"I love you."

A/N: I liked the idea of this story. Want a sequel of any kind? Or do you want another story showing Lelouch right after Suzaku's death? I'd love to write more for this fic. Please R&R and I hope you enjoyed!


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